Why I Am

When I was younger I was so put off by Christianity I made my highly religious neighbor cry because I told her I was an Atheist.   I remember we were walking home from where our school bus dropped us off and while we were talking, I nonchalantly proclaimed to her that I didn't believe in God.  And she just started crying.

I was so put off by it.  I immediately felt guilty when I realized she cried because of the statement.  So I did what probably any other 11-year-old kid would do in that situation. I made a fool of myself to try and make her laugh (I ended up running though the sprinklers).  Her tears confused me because I knew that Christianity was important to her, but she was crying for me.  When I look back on how I viewed Christianity and how I view it now I always think how?  How did I end up totally opposite to where I thought I would end up?

I recently read a small book called "Made For More" by Curtis Martin and in the introduction, Curtis was talking to students about why they go to school. One person said to get an education.  Then Curtis asked them "why do you want an education?"  And another answered so that they could get a job.  And he asked them "why do you need a job?" And that person replied, "to get money."  And finally, Curtis asked them "why do you need money?"  And another student said "in order to be happy."

Happiness.  Everyone likes to be happy and no one likes to be unhappy.  It is the driving factor for why we choose to do anything.  I didn't just wake up one day and think "man, I could really praise some God today".

When I was 11-years-old I didn't know what the concoction to happiness was.  The only thing that made me happy was not doing my homework. But as I got older, I started to realize that life was stressful.  I would wake up days and just feel tired of it all.  

My interest in the Catholic faith stemmed from the fact that my best friend grew up Catholic.  My final push was the fact that the girl I was into in high school was Catholic as well.  I thought to myself "man this girl is the real deal.  Let me look into this Catholic thing.  I wanna know more of what she knows".

I honestly didn't know what I was getting into.  The first few times I attended church I would dress-up in full business attire (which isn't a bad thing) and I would sit in church and not understand a thing.  The only thing I new about Christianity was it made people happy.  In all honesty, I didn't go to church to worship I went with the hope that it would make me happy.

I know I sound selfish, but if you think about it isn't that why anyone chooses follows Christ?  The promise for something more; a place of refuge were we can rest our tired hearts.  Despite the initial discomfort, I decided to keep going.  I started to realize that these people didn't seem very brainwashed. In fact, they seemed pretty loving.  I saw firsthand how God was changing lives.  And I wanted that lovingness, that generosity, that happiness for myself. So I learned, I'm still learning, how to develop a relationship with Christ.  I learned and my knowledge of His plan became more complete. And I appreciated His promises and his power more deeply.

My brother never liked the idea of me being a Christian.  His policy in life is do what makes you happy.  Which is understandable, but if I did what made me happy I would probably be doing drugs and having sex or binge drinking every night.  They would satisfy me for the moment, but then I wouldn't be happy again and I would want more.  Happiness would then just be an imitation; something incomplete.  What he doesn't understand is I am seeking something more long-term.  I am seeking comfort and finding it.  I am holding on to the hope that my prayers will be answered.